To Covet (GL) - Chapter 72

The current state gave me a sense of powerlessness, like falling into a swamp.

Although I was attending classes with students from No. 1 High School, I found the knowledge they took for granted to be unfamiliar.

It was a sense of shame, of being uncultured and out of place. I knew I wasn’t the only student here who felt this way, but the overwhelming gap I witnessed constantly made me lose interest in continuing to write on the blank test papers.

I crumpled the scratch paper into a tight ball and threw it into the already full trash can.

It was past the time for evening roll call, which meant I should be reported and criticized by the supervising teacher for being outside.

I anxiously paced the room. Finally, Qian Xinming couldn’t take it anymore. She slapped the book in her hand onto the small desk and said, “Yu Keyi, can you calm down? You’ve drunk water eight times. If you can’t, just go to sleep early.”

“We have to turn in the whole exercise book tomorrow morning. Did you finish writing it?” I massaged my stiff waist. “The big exam is next week. That teacher said the bottom 30% of students will be asked to leave.”

“Don’t worry, you won’t be,” Qian Xinming flipped through her book with a rustle. “At least you’re better than me. I didn’t even eat dinner, and I’m here memorizing formulas. I haven’t retained anything all night. At least you can solve a couple of problems.“

We sat in silence for a while. She got up to take a shower, and I secretly pulled the door open to get some air.

I was initially just staring blankly out the corridor window, watching the lights of the night market on both sides of the street downstairs. I tiptoed back into the room, changed into my sneakers, put on a coat, grabbed the room card, and took the elevator downstairs.

Dinner was greasy pork chops. I actually didn’t eat much. Smelling the mixed aroma of the kebab stalls, a sudden craving hit. I wanted to check how much pocket money I had on my phone, but suddenly remembered that my main phone had been handed over for the training camp. The spare phone in my hand was only linked to an empty card.

I squatted by the roadside for a while and typed a line to Yu Zhouwan:

“Sister, hungry, hungry.”

Yu Zhouwan replied with a cartoon puppy with a “?” over its head.

“Not asleep?”

“Can’t sleep. Out foraging.” I yawned, momentarily unsure whether to prioritize sleepiness or hunger. “Dinner was too gross. I didn’t eat enough.”

I felt like dealing with the messy data every day had made me lose my basic expressive ability. Only the most fundamental survival need—appetite—remained, with no other thoughts.

Yu Zhouwan replied with “Okay,” and then transferred 200 yuan to me.

I munched on the sizzling, greasy kebab and scrolled through our messages from the past few days, which were just simple greetings.

I was able to talk a lot with her on the phone, but perhaps what text could convey was truly limited.

Not long after, Yu Zhouwan “tapped” me and then sent a card for a family shared payment account, seemingly afraid I hadn’t eaten enough.

200 yuan was actually more than enough, but I accepted her concern without hesitation. It was enough to eat my way through the entire street.

“Sister is so nice to me~” I deliberately added a long string of tildes.

Thinking about Yu Zhouwan lying in bed in the middle of the night, the phone’s glowing screen illuminating her face, what expression would she have right now? I couldn’t help but guess.

Probably just staring wide-eyed at the chat box with a blank expression, maybe a tiny smile at most. She rarely shows expressions of positive emotion.

“What did you eat?” she asked me. I could almost hear the slight chuckle in her tone.

Looking up, with the skewer still in my mouth, I saw Qian Xinming standing ten meters away, hands on her hips, glaring at me.

I was forced to share most of the food in my bowl to appease Miss Qian’s urge to report me.

I went and bought some Oden separately. While waiting in line, I looked around and saw an inconspicuous flower stall in the corner. I walked over to take a look.

The vendor was a mute woman. She pointed to the price on the sign and then to the bouquets surrounded by small LED lights.

I only intended to take a look, but I noticed the flowers she was trimming and wrapping.

She was keenly aware of where the customer’s eyes landed. She pointed to the price tag and then to the wrapping paper and the baby’s breath lying on top of it.

“What is this flower called?” I asked her.

It was a familiar color and style: pure white petals with a red blush bleeding outward, just like the one Yu Zhouwan bought that day.

The mute woman reached out to gesture, but Qian Xinming, who was following me and stuffing her face with food, suddenly interrupted: “I know this.”

The flowers were in full bloom, without any sign of wilting, intricately tied with white ribbon by the vendor’s skillful hands. Moving from the shadows to the streetlamp light, they were bathed in a warm-colored filter.

“Elsa Rose, right?”

Having received confirmation from the vendor, Qian Xinming grinned widely. She pulled my hand and muttered, “Keyi, let’s buy it. It’s so pretty. The teachers can’t check it if we hide it in the cabinet anyway.”

The mute woman extended one finger and pointed to the untrimmed fresh flowers beside her, meaning that there were only so few Elsa Roses left, and we should choose some other flowers.

Qian Xinming excitedly picked out the wrapping paper, completely ignoring me staring blankly at the flowers.

“So what does sending this kind of flower mean?” I murmured, looking at the dripping Elsa Rose.

Qian Xinming scratched the stray hair on her forehead, seemingly trying hard to translate my words: “The meaning of the flower…? You mean the language of flowers…”

“Wait, who are you sending it to?” She keenly sniffed out gossip, folding back to lean close to my face. “Hmm? Hmm?”

“I’m not sending it to anyone. My family bought it before, and I thought it looked nice, so I wanted to ask.”

“Search it up…” She curiously leaned her head over to look at the screen. “Look, it says here it means… ‘Only you are in my heart.’ It’s perfect for giving to a lover in the ambiguous stage.”

Ambiguous stage?

I frowned.

Yu Zhouwan screenshotted a payment record from the vendor, asking with concern if I had eaten enough.

I knew that if she were facing me and saying that, she would definitely have a slight chuckle in her tone.

Qian Xinming only bought a small bouquet of sunflowers. She said she preferred the vitality of these little guys over the beauty and fragility of roses.

To thank me for the treat, she offered to carry the Elsa Rose bouquet back for me. As I walked, I stared at my keyboard, deleting and revising, unsure what to text Yu Zhouwan.

My mind was a mess.

Seeing no response, Yu Zhouwan asked again if I was already asleep.

In the end, I didn’t send the picture of the flower. I even forgot how to put a sentence together to reply to her, letting my empty head command me through a series of actions. When I finally remembered the unreplied message, it was an hour later. The bouquet had been trimmed and arranged by Qian Xinming and was sitting in a glass vase on the desk alongside her sunflowers.

I even wondered what state of mind I was in when I paid for it at that moment.

Was it to constantly remind myself not to forget the person who sent Yu Zhouwan flowers to show their affection?

I suddenly felt that the flowers on the desk were particularly irritating.

It was as if I bought them out of a desire for substitution—even though they were the exact same kind of flower, I was impatiently repeating the purchase, subconsciously believing that my position in her heart could erase the traces of anyone else’s existence.

Even though I decisively threw away that bouquet, I still couldn’t let it go.

Perhaps it was truly because I hadn’t seen her for too long.

I felt that Yu Zhouwan’s willingness to accept the flowers in front of others implied a slight wavering, a suspicion that she was giving someone else a chance.

I squatted by the bed, staring blankly, unconsciously picking at the dead skin on my lips with my fingertips. Qian Xinming finished drying her hair, turned around, and nearly screamed when she saw my bloodied lips, quickly handing me a tissue.

“Get some rest,” she patted my shoulder, thinking my unhappiness was due to too much pressure. “You can’t finish all the studying in one go. It’s better to regain your energy and fight again tomorrow. Go to sleep.”

“I’m not sleeping,” my mind was too chaotic to close my eyes. I jumped up, ripped off the outermost petals of the rose, and sat down hard at the desk. “I’m going to work on problems.”