After The Cannon Fodder Died, She Became The Female Lead’s White Moonlight (GL) - Chapter 34.2

Che Gulai took Shen Sijin’s glass flowers and went to the hospital.

She suddenly felt a strong urge to see Shen Sijin.

She pushed the door open and saw Shen Sijin sitting in a wheelchair.

She wasn’t hysterical today. She was just sitting obediently, staring at the sycamore trees outside.

“How has she been these past few days?” Che Gulai asked the nurse. She hadn’t asked about her condition in a while, due to her anger.

The nurse’s expression was still grim. “Although Miss Shen hasn’t been hysterical lately, she’s too quiet. She hasn’t spoken for a week.”

Che Gulai was silent for a few seconds. She walked up to Shen Sijin.

Shen Sijin’s complexion was pale, her eyes vacant. Her face was lifeless, like still water. She showed no reaction to the person in front of her.

She looked just like she did after her grandmother died last time.

It was also how she looked the first time she attempted suicide.

“Haven’t you been feeding her?” Che Gulai asked coldly, seeing how frighteningly thin Shen Sijin was.

The nurse quickly explained, “Miss Shen has been vomiting everything she eats. She can’t keep anything down. She’s currently surviving entirely on intravenous nutrition…”

Che Gulai’s face grew colder. She closed her eyes briefly. “You can step outside.”

The room door closed.

Che Gulai half-crouched in front of her and turned over her hand.

Shen Sijin’s hand was very white. There was a scar on her palm—the one she got protecting Che Gulai from the knife. Aside from that, there were several small burn scars on her wrist and finger joints.

They were likely burns from making the glass flowers.

“Why did you do this?” Che Gulai asked quietly, looking straight at Shen Sijin. “Did you truly love me that much in the past?”

Shen Sijin didn’t speak. Her expression was lifeless, like withered wood.

Che Gulai took the glass flowers and presented them to her. “How did you know I like glass flowers? Was it a coincidence, or…”

Shen Sijin suddenly touched the flowers and said woodenly, “Glass… flowers.”

Her mind was not very clear. Her brain was enveloped in a misty haze. She lacked the ability to perceive love or hatred, didn’t know who the person in front of her was, and her memories were jumbled, as if she had reverted to some past moment.

She hadn’t spoken for a long time. Shen Sijin spoke with difficulty, uttering each word slowly. “It’s… the glass flowers… I gave… Gulai.”

“Yes, you gave them to me.”

“Gulai likes… glass flowers,” Shen Sijin said dully, like an expressionless puppet. “When she was little… it was the birthday present… she wanted most.”

Although her sentence structure was reversed, Che Gulai understood.

Her face suddenly changed. She violently grabbed Shen Sijin’s wrist, saying in disbelief, “What did you say? Shen Sijin, why do you know that?!”

When Che Gulai was very young, she liked all kinds of flowers. Her parents hadn’t started arguing then and were kind to her. She thought withered flowers were ugly. When she saw a picture of beautiful, strange glass flowers on a phone, she pestered her mother to make them for her.

Her mother was still kind to her then and promised to make them, but she forgot due to her busy schedule.

By Che Gulai’s next birthday, she started pestering her mother again. But by then, her parents had completely broken down. Both of them were annoyed by their child. Her mother even found her irritating and slapped her hard, locking her in the basement to be rid of her sight.

She was locked up for three whole days.

She nearly died there.

After that, she stopped asking for glass flowers.

She didn’t dare to ask for them.

Even as an adult, she didn’t dare to ask. It was a vulnerability hidden beneath her icy exterior.

But in reality, she still yearned for the glass flowers she never received as a child.

She had never told anyone about this, not even her deceased best friend.

Sometimes, Che Gulai even forgot about it herself.

How did Shen Sijin know?!

“Why do you know?” Che Gulai’s calm demeanor shattered. “Shen Sijin, tell me. How do you know?”

Shen Sijin, of course, knew. She remembered the female lead telling the male lead about this after they got together. Later, when the female lead and male lead had a fight, the male lead, to win her favor, personally made her glass flowers, and the female lead forgave him.

Shen Sijin was struggling to find a gift for Che Gulai and thought of this.

But the current Shen Sijin couldn’t answer her.

She didn’t even know what Che Gulai was saying.

She saw Che Gulai’s mouth moving continuously, but she couldn’t hear a word.

A highly absurd thought flashed through Che Gulai’s mind, but it was too outrageous. She dared not believe it.

Shen Sijin remained silent. Che Gulai looked at her as if she were a monster.

She must be hiding something from me.

Che Gulai’s mind was in turmoil. She didn’t dare to look at Shen Sijin anymore. She dropped the flowers and left.

Shen Sijin watched the flowers on the floor. Her lifeless eyes moved slightly.

Che Gulai stopped asking about Shen Sijin again.

Shen Sijin forgot the exact day she lost her hearing. It seemed to be one night when the tinnitus was overwhelmingly loud. She was in so much pain that she kept hitting her head against the wall. Blood flowed from her forehead, blurring her vision.

Afterward, the tinnitus suddenly stopped, but she couldn’t hear anything anymore.

Losing her hearing wasn’t a major issue for her, but it caused a lot of inconvenience. She couldn’t hear what others were saying, and the nurses slowly became very impatient with her.

She was trying her best to listen, but she truly couldn’t hear anything.

The nurses must think she was a bother.

Later, the nurses came less and less often. She couldn’t eat anything. The nurses only came when she needed intravenous nutrition.

One time, she wanted to take a shower. The nurse reminded her that the water heater was broken and to shower tomorrow, but Shen Sijin couldn’t hear. By the time the cold water poured down, it was too late.

She shivered silently, finishing her shower with cold water.

Shen Sijin spent every day staring at the sycamore trees outside the window. Her room was always solitary. No one came to talk to her. Because she was deaf, the nurses assumed she was rude and were unwilling to visit.

Che Gulai wouldn’t come either.

No one would come.

Her world was a huge, depressing lake. There was no sound, and no people. She was forlornly submerged in it, struggling to breathe.

She hadn’t spoken for a very, very long time—maybe a month? She couldn’t remember. Since arriving here, she had lost all concept of time.

She was like a chronically ill, abandoned piece of trash: without hearing, constantly struggling to see, speaking with great difficulty, just barely surviving.

Day after day of solitude, Shen Sijin’s thoughts became slow and dull.

Her reactions were very, very slow. Most of the time, she couldn’t distinguish between reality and hallucination.

She was like an aging turtle.

Shen Sijin was always quiet, sitting by her window, from morning until night, silently watching the repeated sunsets.

As the evening twilight deepened, she was slowly planning how to die.

Che Gulai came to see her today. She held the glass flowers in front of her. Shen Sijin’s sluggish mind made her unable to tell who the person in front of her was. She only remembered the flowers.

But Che Gulai seemed very angry afterward. She gripped Shen Sijin’s hand with great force, and it hurt.

Shen Sijin finally recognized who was in front of her. She wanted to tell Che Gulai that she couldn’t hear.

But opening her mouth to speak was exhausting. Her throat could barely produce sound. The words she spoke earlier had already drained much of her strength.

Che Gulai, why are you angry?

Did I say something wrong?

What are you saying now?

I can’t hear you, Che Gulai.

Can you speak slower?

But Che Gulai was still angry. She threw the flowers and left.

Shen Sijin stared at the flowers on the floor for a long time. She slowly picked them up.

Che Gulai didn’t want her flowers.

Because she hated her.

She was an object of hatred.

Now that she was deaf, probably no one would like her even more.

She was useless.

Why was she still alive now?

Shen Sijin stared blankly at the flowers in her hand, tears unconsciously falling.

She cried silently and numbly for a long time.

The sycamore leaves outside the window began to fall. The sunset slowly disappeared from the window. Endless darkness returned.

Because Shen Sijin was too weak, she couldn’t walk much and was always in a wheelchair.

But these past few days, she started eating.

The nurses didn’t pay attention to her unusual behavior.

Today was a moonless night.

Shen Sijin slowly climbed out of bed. Her movements were stiff as she walked out.

She avoided the nurses. She didn’t take the elevator. She held onto the railing, slowly climbing the stairs.

Although she had gained a little strength from eating these past few days, her legs were still weak. She stumbled with almost every step.

She didn’t care about the pain. She just walked slowly.

By the time she reached the roof access, Shen Sijin was covered in cuts and bruises. She had to crawl the last few steps.

She walked with such determination, as if she were walking home.

She finally reached the rooftop and limped to the edge.

The wind was strong, billowing Shen Sijin’s oversized clothes.

Shen Sijin had attempted suicide once when she was seventeen.

She jumped into the sea.

She failed to die.

She failed several times afterward, too.

She used to believe she had the right to live.

Now, she was wrong.

Shen Sijin was afraid of loneliness.

Loneliness was like a long rain, clammy and damp.

If she died, she wouldn’t feel lonely anymore.

Her feet hung over the edge. The wind fiercely cut at her face.

She hadn’t received much love in her life. She had barely clung to life for over twenty years. No matter what world she was in, she couldn’t get what she wanted.

In the instant her head hit the ground hard, she thought.

Life is so bitter. She really didn’t want to come back again.

Her name was Shen Sijin.

The ‘Sijin’ of ‘a future like brocade’.

But perhaps her future was not like brocade at all.