After The Cannon Fodder Died, She Became The Female Lead’s White Moonlight (GL) - Chapter 33.1

Shen Sijin felt as if she had slept for a very long time. She opened her eyes, staring listlessly at the ceiling.

She felt like she was submerged in water, surrounded by a gloomy silence, with everything before her a blank.

There was a faint sound of breathing. Whose was it?

Oh, it was hers. So she was still alive.

Shen Sijin slowly pushed herself up from the bed. Having lain down for too long, her legs gave way, and she nearly fell.

She slowly opened the door, unsure of where she was.

Che Gulai was pruning flowers in the garden. Hearing footsteps behind her, she assumed it was the maid and paid no attention.

Until a muffled thud sounded behind her.

Che Gulai turned around and saw Shen Sijin half-kneeling on the ground. She put down the shears and started to go help Shen Sijin up.

But Shen Sijin avoided her hand, using a nearby table to slowly pull herself to her feet.

Che Gulai withdrew her hand and watched her coldly from the side.

She mocked, “Are you conscious now?”

Shen Sijin’s eyes were vacant. “Why am I here?”

“Ask yourself.”

Shen Sijin’s pale face looked exhausted. “I want to go back. Send me back.”

“Are you sure?” Che Gulai crossed her arms, casually playing with a flower she had picked. She raised an eyebrow. “What if you cling to me again later?”

“I won’t cling to you,” Shen Sijin shook her head.

Che Gulai sneered. “Who knows?”

Shen Sijin didn’t want to talk to Che Gulai anymore. Che Gulai was now a new form of pain for her.

She already had enough pain.

“I want to go back.” Shen Sijin turned around stiffly. “I want to go back.”

I want to go back to my grandmother.

Che Gulai watched her back, not attempting to stop her. She didn’t think Shen Sijin could actually leave this place.

Even if she did leave…

What did that have to do with her?

One second, two seconds, three seconds…

Sure enough, Shen Sijin’s physical condition was too poor. She collapsed onto the ground after only a few steps.

Che Gulai gave a cold laugh, walked over, and helped her up. Shen Sijin was so thin that Che Gulai could easily lift her in her arms.

Shen Sijin had woken up a few times after that, insisting each time that she wanted to go back, but without exception, she never stayed awake for long.

This time was the same. She started insisting on leaving again. Che Gulai pressed her onto a chair and said coldly, “Eat.”

Shen Sijin had no appetite. She stared blankly at the dishes on the table.

Seeing her remain motionless like a wooden dummy, Che Gulai tapped the table with her finger. “Eat. If you don’t eat properly, you’ll starve to death.”

Shen Sijin’s long eyelashes fluttered. She remembered how her grandmother had urged her to eat properly.

Her stiff fingers twitched. Her lips moved slightly. “Yes, I need to eat properly… If I don’t eat properly, Grandma will be angry with me.”

She grabbed the chopsticks. Regardless of what dish she picked up, she stuffed it into her mouth. She quickly choked on the chili and started coughing continuously.

Che Gulai handed her a glass of water. “Why are you rushing?”

Shen Sijin coughed until her eyes were red, but her hands didn’t stop. She desperately continued to stuff food into her mouth.

Che Gulai was dumbfounded. She stopped her actions. “Shen Sijin! Are you crazy?”

She just shook her head painfully and pushed Che Gulai’s hand away. “Che Gulai, don’t touch me.”

“Do you think I want to touch you?” Che Gulai was furious. “If you want to go crazy, go do it outside! Do you think I’m happy to keep you in my house?”

Shen Sijin’s eyes were red. Her face was tear-stained. She tried to pick up the chopsticks again. “I need to eat properly. Grandma won’t be happy… Grandma only left because I wasn’t obedient…”

She stuffed more food into her mouth. Her cheeks were stuffed, and she kept gagging.

Che Gulai watched her coldly. Suddenly, she raised her hand and knocked the bowl and chopsticks in front of her onto the ground.

“Stop eating,” Che Gulai said coldly.

Shen Sijin looked at her with tearful eyes.

“You’re not eating willingly anyway. You’ll just throw it up after you eat it.” Che Gulai motioned to the maid.

“Take her upstairs to rest.” Che Gulai wiped her hands with a tissue, her eyes lowered. “Shen Sijin, if you starve yourself to death, it’s not my problem. I’ve done my part.”

With that, Che Gulai went upstairs.

For the next few days, Che Gulai couldn’t be bothered to deal with her. Shen Sijin constantly had different ways of acting out, and each time, Che Gulai would stop her craziness and add a few sarcastic remarks.

She was truly annoyed by Shen Sijin’s madness. One day, she couldn’t hold back anymore and coldly scolded her.

“Shen Sijin, what’s the point of faking madness? Can’t you just be normal?”

“Who do you think would like a lunatic?”

Shen Sijin seemed shocked by the words. She looked as if she had seen a demon. She staggered backward, clutching her hair. “Che Gulai, don’t talk anymore…”

Every single thing you say humiliates me.

How much do you truly hate me?

The sharp ringing in Shen Sijin’s ears started again, and her head began to ache.

She looked at Che Gulai’s face. Che Gulai’s face was completely unrecognizable—blurred gray features, spread in a wide, grotesque smile, staring at her menacingly.

Shen Sijin was terrified. She pushed Che Gulai out and violently slammed the door shut.

Che Gulai looked at the tightly closed door and laughed.

A laugh of sheer exasperation.

A lunatic indeed.

Since she was becoming more lucid now, maybe it was time to kick her out.

Her madness was a constant headache.

Che Gulai went into the study.

Night fell. Shen Sijin was curled up under the blanket. She vaguely heard someone calling her name, sounding like her grandmother’s voice.

Shen Sijin immediately scrambled out of the blanket and followed the sound to the hallway, stopping outside a room.

She heard her own name being spoken.

The room door wasn’t closed tightly, allowing her to roughly hear the conversation inside.

Che Gulai held her chin with both hands. “You’re saying that Shen Sijin’s grandmother died due to a sudden cerebral hemorrhage?”

Xiao Xu nodded. “Yes, and… Shen Sijin’s grandmother wouldn’t have suddenly developed this condition. It was just that while she was on a video call that day, she suddenly got out of bed and rushed outside in a panic. Because the floor had just been mopped, the old woman slipped and fell. She hit her head badly and never woke up again.”

In short, Shen Sijin’s grandmother died from a fall.

“The video call…” Che Gulai murmured. “She was video calling Shen Sijin?”

Xiao Xu nodded. “Yes. Miss Shen seemed to have an accident mid-call, and the video cut off. The old woman panicked and rushed outside impulsively.”

In other words, the old woman died because of Shen Sijin.

Che Gulai furrowed her brow, lost in thought. After a few seconds, she instructed Xiao Xu.

“Do not tell Shen Sijin about this.”

“Understood.”

Outside the door, Shen Sijin had heard everything.

She covered her mouth. Tears surged like the rising tide, overwhelmingly.

To avoid being discovered, she ran back to her room, then collapsed to the floor as if all her strength had abandoned her.

She clamped her hand tightly over her mouth. Suppressed, despairing sobs intermittently leaked through her fingers. She was crying so hard that her chest seized up.

She understood every word of the conversation between Che Gulai and Xiao Xu.

She had indirectly killed her grandmother.

If she hadn’t had low blood sugar that day, hadn’t fallen down the stairs, her phone wouldn’t have broken, and her grandmother wouldn’t have rushed outside in panic, worried that something had happened to her.

If she hadn’t video-called her grandmother that day…

Would her grandmother still be alive?

She had already caused the death of her mother, the death of her father, and now the death of her grandmother.

She truly shouldn’t have been born.

Living only brought disaster to those around her. No matter who it was, she would cause their death.

Now, even the original owner’s grandmother had been indirectly killed by her.

Shen Sijin sobbed uncontrollably, gasping for breath.

If she hadn’t transmigrated to this world, her grandmother wouldn’t have died.

She buried her face in her hands, utterly broken.

Her existence was a sin.

Maybe her mother was right. She really shouldn’t be alive.

How good would it have been if she had just died back in the asylum?

If she had never come to this world, she wouldn’t have met Che Gulai, and she wouldn’t have met her grandmother.

All these people who caused her so much pain for various reasons—if she had died early, she would have met none of them.

A warmth suddenly welled up in Shen Sijin’s throat. She opened her mouth and coughed up a mouthful of blood.

Her stomach hurt so much.

It felt like someone was churning her insides with a burning-hot knife.

Shen Sijin clutched her stomach, her back deeply hunched. Her forehead touched the floor. She wept helplessly and brokenly.

Tears mixed with blood pooled into a small puddle on the floor.

A profound sense of self-loathing completely consumed her. She suddenly felt utterly disgusted with herself.

She began to regret.

She regretted not listening to her mother’s words when she was a child and dying early.

If she were dead, she wouldn’t hurt anyone, and naturally, no one would hate her.

Her mother was right.

Shen Sijin stopped crying. Her eyes held a disturbing clarity.

I must listen to her words.

Che Gulai went to work. Shen Sijin meticulously folded the blankets in her room, mopped the floor, and tidied everything up.

She fixed herself up and walked out of the room.

“Miss,” the maid saw her. “Are you up?”

Shen Sijin offered her a polite smile. “It’s you. Thank you for taking care of me these past few days.”

The maid smiled back. “It’s nothing.”

“Um… I wanted to ask,” Shen Sijin said awkwardly. “I want to leave here. How do I get a ride?”

“You’re leaving? Right now?”

Shen Sijin nodded. “I have to go.”

The maid saw that Shen Sijin seemed to have recovered her sanity and didn’t stop her from leaving.

Che Gulai had told them previously that if Shen Sijin wanted to leave, they should let her go.

The maid said, “We have a dedicated driver. I’ll have someone take you now.”

“Thank you.”

Shen Sijin sat in the car, looking at the scenery outside. She felt like she was looking at another world.

She remembered everything that had happened during this period.

She remembered burdening Che Gulai with her illness, making Che Gulai even more impatient with her.

She also remembered Che Gulai’s words to her.

The icy words were deeply rooted in her memory.

—Who would like a lunatic?

She remembered Che Gulai’s words and couldn’t help but laugh softly.

Che Gulai truly hated her.

To call her a lunatic.

I hate you too, Che Gulai.

Shen Sijin got out of the car at a flower shop. She wanted to buy some flowers.

She spotted a bouquet of gardenias. Just as she reached for it, another hand reached for the same bouquet simultaneously.

Shen Sijin turned her face to look at the owner of the hand. It was a short-haired woman, and she looked familiar.

The short-haired woman also found her familiar. She looked at her for a while, then realized. “It’s you, little sister.”

“Do we… know each other?”

The short-haired woman smiled. “You probably don’t remember me. This bouquet is yours.”

Shen Sijin accepted the flowers. “Thank you.”

After buying the flowers, Shen Sijin felt exhausted. She had been lying down for too long these past few days, and her entire body felt weak.

She found a nearby park bench and sat down.

Suddenly, someone sat down next to her. Shen Sijin didn’t pay attention to who it was until the person spoke. “Little sister, do you really not remember me?”

Shen Sijin was startled by the sudden voice. She quickly turned her head.

It was the same woman from earlier.

Shen Sijin’s eyes were blank.

The woman laughed, her eyes playful. “Do you remember the night Che Gulai brought you to the private room to drink?”

Shen Sijin’s memory was very poor. She had forgotten most things from before, but this incident was still etched in her mind.

She looked closely at the woman and vaguely recognized a similar face from her blurred memories.

“It’s fine if you don’t recognize me,” the woman smiled. “I’m just waiting for someone here. I saw you and wanted to chat to pass the time.”

Shen Sijin held the flowers and didn’t speak.

“Are you—” the woman rolled her eyes. “Are you still with Che Gulai?”

Shen Sijin’s eyes seemed to freeze, then quickly regained their slight ripple. She shook her head, whispering, “No, we broke up.”

The woman seemed to have expected this. “You were dumped.”

Shen Sijin remained silent, confirming it.

The woman suddenly laughed. “Looking at you, you must be heartbroken. I can’t believe Che Gulai still played with you.”

Shen Sijin looked at her, not understanding what she meant.

The woman, bored, couldn’t help but spill the details. She wiggled her fingers. “You don’t know, little sister? Che Gulai brought you there that night specifically to mess with you.”

“She called all of us and signaled for us to make a fool of you, giving us a few tips on how to handle you. We’re used to playing with people. We’re experts at that.”

Shen Sijin’s eyelashes fluttered, but her voice was steady.

“You mean, she knew I couldn’t hold my liquor, but brought me to the drinking party anyway, just to humiliate me?”

The woman raised an eyebrow. “You’re smart, little sister. But don’t worry. Che Gulai is completely rotten. You’re better off away from her.”

Shen Sijin felt like she should be angry.

But her heart was utterly numb. She couldn’t feel any intense emotion.

She simply understood Che Gulai on a deeper level.

Che Gulai was a thorough villain.

Perhaps she had been deceived too many times. One more time didn’t matter. She just felt cold. Her heart was cold.

She didn’t react with hysterical anger.

She only felt a sickening hatred for Che Gulai.

The woman left quickly. Shen Sijin sat for a while. Her entire body felt paralyzed. She couldn’t move at all.

Slowly, her body began to move again.

She held the flowers and went home. The house was cold and empty, yet traces of her and her grandmother were everywhere.

In her intense longing, Shen Sijin also felt a sense of unspeakable shame.

Perhaps because she felt she was responsible for her death, Shen Sijin felt too ashamed to even feel grief.

She felt she wasn’t worthy.

She walked past the refrigerator. Her grandmother’s handwriting was still on it, written with a marker: “Xiao Jin, eat properly.”

Her previous calm completely vanished. She touched the words, and tears escaped her control.

I’m sorry, Grandma.

I caused your death.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

It’s my fault.

Shen Sijin cried until she was exhausted. She had thought her emotions were stable and nothing could break her anymore.

But hearing about Che Gulai’s actions and seeing her grandmother’s handwriting finally shattered her outward calm.

The accumulated pain in her heart erupted completely. Shen Sijin’s whole body ached unbearably.

She didn’t know where the pain was coming from.

But it hurt everywhere.

She sank to the floor in agony.

“Shen Sijin, why aren’t you dead yet?”

“Go die quickly.”

“You only bring suffering to others by living. Go die now.”