After The Cannon Fodder Died, She Became The Female Lead’s White Moonlight (GL) - Chapter 33.2

The voices were relentless, almost like death calls, yelling fiercely into her ears.

Shen Sijin covered her head, curling up into a ball.

Stop talking.

I will die soon.

So stop talking.

Slowly, the voices faded away.

Shen Sijin’s face was bloodless. She walked woodenly to her room.

Her hand brushed against something. Shen Sijin looked down and saw a fallen photo frame.

She picked it up and turned it over.

It was a photo of Che Gulai and Shen Sijin together.

It was their only joint photo. Shen Sijin cherished it immensely, looking at it every night.

But now, it no longer brought her the joy of days past.

Love was a damp, cold iceberg. After countless cuts, only the cold, frosty remnants remained.

She looked at the photo. The numerous pains of deception surged back. The photo proclaimed the cruelty of reality and her own foolishness.

Shen Sijin picked up a pair of scissors nearby and furiously slashed at her own face in the picture, tearing the smiling image to shreds.

It was all empty.

She wasn’t the original owner.

She wasn’t the Shen Sijin of this world.

She shouldn’t have been with Che Gulai, and she shouldn’t be alive.

This photo shouldn’t exist.

Shen Sijin deeply loathed herself. She felt a visceral revulsion toward her own face.

Her face on the photo was finally completely unrecognizable. Only Che Gulai’s face remained isolated on the picture.

It was as if the two had never taken a photo together.

Shen Sijin tried to hold the scissors again to keep cutting, but her hand kept shaking. Finally, her hand trembled so much that she couldn’t hold the photo. Her grip slackened, and the photo fluttered to the floor, finally landing in a corner.

Out of sight.

Shen Sijin didn’t have the strength to pick it up.

She truly had no strength left at all.

Shen Sijin’s whole body still hurt, and the noise in her ears was unbearable. She couldn’t stand it anymore. She just wanted it to end quickly.

She was desperate to end her painful life.

She did not deserve to live.

Che Gulai returned home and found that Shen Sijin was not there. She called the maid. “Where is Shen Sijin?”

The maid replied, “She already left.”

Che Gulai frowned. “Left? By herself?”

“Yes. Miss Shen seemed to have returned to normal.”

“Is that so?” Che Gulai curved her lips. “If she left, she left.”

She was going to leave anyway.

Che Gulai didn’t pay any mind to this episode. She went about her usual routine.

Just then, Bai Mingyu called her.

“Che Gulai, how is Xiao Jin? I’m going to find her now.”

Che Gulai said flatly, “She’s already left.”

“Left?” Bai Mingyu sounded confused and hung up.

Che Gulai put her phone aside and ignored it. Just as she was about to turn off the lights and go to sleep, Bai Mingyu called again.

Che Gulai answered impatiently. “What is it now—”

“Che Gulai! Where did Xiao Jin go?” Bai Mingyu’s voice was tearful. “I’ve checked everywhere—the school, her house—and she’s nowhere to be found!”

Che Gulai was no longer sleepy. She frowned. “You didn’t find her?”

“No! Those are the only places Xiao Jin usually stays. She wouldn’t go anywhere else.”

Bai Mingyu was sweating profusely with worry. “Did Xiao Jin say anything to you before she left?”

Che Gulai didn’t speak. Her expression was grim.

Shen Sijin’s current mental state was very poor. Bai Mingyu’s worry was not unfounded.

A flash of realization struck Che Gulai. “I know where she went.”

She put on her clothes, grabbed her car keys, and rushed out of the villa.

Che Gulai didn’t know why she was out in the middle of the night looking for her mortal enemy. She must be crazy.

But she couldn’t spare a thought for that now.

Che Gulai drove to the cemetery. She didn’t know where Shen Sijin’s grandmother’s grave was, so she had to look at each one.

In the distance, she saw a woman leaning against a tombstone.

Che Gulai intuitively knew it was her. She shone her flashlight and slowly approached.

In the dark night, she saw Shen Sijin with her eyes closed, her face ghostly pale. Blood was constantly flowing from her drooping wrist. Her body was soaked in blood!

Che Gulai’s mind went blank. She rushed forward and scooped her up, quickly carrying her out of the area.

The hospital in the middle of the night.

Bai Mingyu and Che Gulai stood outside the operating room.

Bai Mingyu looked distraught, unable to speak from distress, while Che Gulai leaned against the wall, her expression deep and silent.

A doctor emerged. Bai Mingyu immediately asked him, “Doctor, how is my friend?”

The doctor said, “Fortunately, she was brought in just in time. She is temporarily out of danger.”

Bai Mingyu sighed in relief. Che Gulai’s grim expression also eased slightly.

Bai Mingyu rushed into the ward. Seeing Shen Sijin still breathing, her eyes welled up with tears.

She sat beside Shen Sijin, her voice muffled. “Xiao Jin, were you in so much pain that you didn’t want to live anymore?”

No one answered her. Shen Sijin couldn’t speak, and Che Gulai, standing behind her, couldn’t answer either.

Bai Mingyu suddenly turned around, furious. “I entrusted Xiao Jin to you. Is this how you treat her?”

Che Gulai’s expression was calm. “She wanted to leave on her own. It has nothing to do with me.”

Bai Mingyu knew Che Gulai was inherently cold, and blaming her was useless. She took a step back.

“Che Gulai, why did Xiao Jin end up like this? Do you know?”

Che Gulai was silent. “I don’t know.”

“No, you know.” Bai Mingyu wiped her face. “Xiao Jin is fundamentally a child starved of love. You betrayed her, causing her immense pain every day, making her physically frail. Then, her grandmother’s death was the final straw that broke her.”

“She couldn’t bear so much. You are one of the sources of her decline. If Xiao Jin dies, you’re the killer, and so am I.”

Che Gulai put her hands in her pockets and sneered. “Nonsense.”

She turned and walked out.

“Are you not even going to wait for her to wake up?” Bai Mingyu asked as she reached the door.

Che Gulai was silent for a second, then walked out.

Shen Sijin woke up on the third day. She opened her eyes, stared blankly for a while, and then closed them in disappointment.

She didn’t die.

Bai Mingyu saw she was awake and said joyfully, “Xiao Jin, are you awake? How do you feel? Do you hurt anywhere?”

Shen Sijin’s eyes were dead and flat. “Mingyu, why did you save me?”

Bai Mingyu didn’t want to see her like this. “Xiao Jin…”

“I am truly in so much pain, Mingyu,” tears rolled down Shen Sijin’s pale cheeks. “It would have been better if you let me die.”

Bai Mingyu shook her head, her nose stinging. “Xiao Jin, please live, okay?”

Shen Sijin didn’t speak. She just turned her head and stared blankly out the window.

She used to desperately want to live.

Her mother always told her to die, but she refused. She wanted to live.

Even through all the pain these past years, she still wanted to live.

But now, she truly didn’t want to live anymore.

What was there to look forward to if she lived?

Absolutely nothing.

In neither world could she ever get what she wanted.

She had lived all these years, yet never before had she felt that breathing itself was a sin.

Che Gulai couldn’t concentrate while working recently. Her mind kept wondering if Shen Sijin had woken up.

She realized what she had done only after unconsciously driving her car to the hospital.

Che Gulai was too tired to argue with herself anymore, so she went up.

Bai Mingyu had gone to buy food. Shen Sijin was alone in the ward.

She was lying in bed, her wrist wrapped in thick gauze, her face pale, her head turned to stare out the window.

Che Gulai walked in. “What’s so interesting outside the window?”

Shen Sijin didn’t turn her head when she heard the voice. She said lifelessly, “Someone is watching me outside the window.”

“She’s having an episode again,” Che Gulai thought. Her goal was achieved just by seeing she was awake. She was about to leave, but then felt a strange urge to talk to Shen Sijin.

“No,” Shen Sijin said softly. “They are calling me.”

Che Gulai was silent. “Calling you for what?”

“Telling me to die.”

Che Gulai sat on a stool. “No one is saying that. You misheard.”

Shen Sijin turned her head, staring blankly at the ceiling again.

“Shen Sijin,” Che Gulai suddenly spoke. “What are you thinking about right now?”

“I’m thinking…” Shen Sijin mumbled, as if talking to herself.

“…I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“Then where do you want to go?”

“Home… I want to go home.”

Che Gulai said, “Home? Your place on Baicheng Lane or the house in the small town?”

Baicheng Lane was where Shen Sijin lived now.

“No. My home isn’t here.”

“Then where is your home?”

“In… a very far place.” Shen Sijin’s mind was dull. She spoke recklessly. “I don’t belong here. I’m not the Shen Sijin of this world.”

Che Gulai didn’t understand what she was saying.

What does she mean, ‘not the Shen Sijin of this world’?

“Then where are you from?”

“I’m the Shen Sijin from another world. My home is there. I want to go home.”

Shen Sijin’s mental state suddenly became unstable. “No, I don’t have a home. I don’t have a home in either world…”

She sat up and began frantically tearing at the bandages on her wrist.

Shen Sijin said hysterically, “Why am I still alive? I shouldn’t be alive… No one wants me alive… I must, I should be dead.”

She frantically clawed at her wound. Blood quickly soaked through the gauze.

Che Gulai grabbed her hands. “Shen Sijin, calm down!”

“No, I can’t live…” Shen Sijin clutched Che Gulai’s wrist with her bloody hands. “Che Gulai, I know you hate me. You must want me to die, right? I will die… Che Gulai, please help me. If I’m dead, I’ll never appear in front of you again.”

She almost begged her. “Che Gulai, I’m in too much pain. Please help me…”

Che Gulai’s cold expression slowly cracked, revealing an unidentifiable emotion.

“Shen Sijin, shut up,” Che Gulai said, her face twisted in distress.

Shen Sijin couldn’t hear her and continued her hysterical rant.

Che Gulai couldn’t take it anymore. She wanted to cover Shen Sijin’s mouth, but Shen Sijin thought she was trying to touch her face. Her strong aversion caused Shen Sijin to instinctively push her away.

She pushed with considerable force.

Che Gulai was sent sprawling to the floor. This was a private deluxe room with a coffee table and sofa. Che Gulai’s head hit the corner of the coffee table.

Blood immediately appeared, slowly trickling from her eyebrow, over her nose, and down to her chin.

Shen Sijin stared blankly at her own palm. “Did I push her?”

She buried her head in her arms in pain. “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to kill you… I didn’t want to kill anyone… I’m sorry.”

Che Gulai shook her head, feeling dizzy. She was angry and wanted to say something, but Shen Sijin was ranting hysterically, and she couldn’t get a word in.

Bai Mingyu entered the room at this point and was startled by the sight of the two of them.

“What happened?”

Che Gulai wiped the blood from her face with a tissue. Shen Sijin had already lost all reason. Even if she said something, Shen Sijin wouldn’t hear it.

She could only conclude that she had come in vain again and inexplicably gained an injury.

She looked at Shen Sijin’s trembling state. An unfathomable, dull ache pulsed in her heart.

“You calm her down,” Che Gulai said, holding her forehead. “I’m going to see a doctor.”

For a period after that, Che Gulai didn’t go to see Shen Sijin again. The injury on her head wasn’t serious, just a superficial cut.

The current Shen Sijin was unrecognizable. Her mental state was too fragile. She constantly thought about dying, even more seriously than before.

Che Gulai never thought Shen Sijin would end up like this.

Logically, whatever happened to Shen Sijin was none of her business now. Her revenge on Shen Sijin was over. Their future was supposed to be one of permanent separation.

But sometimes, a strange thought would pop up: I wonder how Shen Sijin is doing now.

This was meaningless.

She shouldn’t have such wavering thoughts.

Che Gulai disliked complicated relationships. Whatever Shen Sijin did was her own business. Che Gulai, an outsider and an enemy, had no reason to care.

She decided that she and Shen Sijin were done. There was no need for them to meet again.

She had already done her part.

Che Gulai secretly made up her mind and truly didn’t go to see her again, only focusing on her work.

However, one day, she suddenly received a message from Shen Sijin, asking her to meet at a certain place, saying she had a very, very important matter to discuss.

Che Gulai was surprised that Shen Sijin had returned to normal, but she refused, saying she wouldn’t go.

Shen Sijin then sent a voice message, with crying audible in her voice. It seemed the matter was quite serious.

Shen Sijin wasn’t a liar. If she sounded this distressed, it must be something important.

And she had cried.

Shen Sijin hadn’t messaged her for a very long time. Though they had broken up, their WeChat connection had mysteriously remained.

This sudden contact seemed bizarre.

Che Gulai was genuinely curious about what the normal Shen Sijin wanted to tell her. She went to the location.

It was a secluded guesthouse with few people. Che Gulai wondered why Shen Sijin had chosen this place.

She knocked. Shen Sijin opened the door, looked suspiciously around Che Gulai, and then said, “Come in.”

“Is your sickness cured?” Che Gulai asked casually.

“Mhm.” Shen Sijin still looked very thin, her face still pale and bloodless. She looked sickly, like a patient still recovering.

“Have some water.” Shen Sijin poured her a glass.

Che Gulai took a sip. “What did you want to tell me?”

“Is the wound on your forehead healed?” Shen Sijin’s eyes were vacant, devoid of emotion. If one looked closely, they would see that Shen Sijin’s mental state was still completely off.

“It’s fine. What exactly did you want to say?”

“I’m sorry, Che Gulai,” Shen Sijin said softly. “It’s my fault.”

Che Gulai wasn’t here to hear her apology. She said coldly, “Is that all you wanted to tell me?”

Shen Sijin shook her head. “No.”

“Then what exactly are you trying to do?”

Shen Sijin’s eyes were hollow and unsettling.

“Someone is trying to hurt you. I can’t let you die.”

“What?” Che Gulai frowned. “Who is trying to hurt…”

Suddenly, her vision blurred. Her head felt incredibly dizzy. She quickly collapsed onto the table.

“My mother,” Shen Sijin’s eyes were vacant, staring at a spot in the air where her mother stood.

Che Gulai woke up with a pounding headache. She sat up.

She looked around and realized she was in a strange room. The windows were sealed shut, creating a suffocating feeling.

Shen Sijin was sitting on the sofa, staring blankly.

“Shen Sijin, what did you do to me? Why is my head so dizzy?”

Shen Sijin didn’t speak.

Che Gulai had a bad feeling. She got out of bed and tried to open the door, only to find it locked.

She turned to face Shen Sijin, saying coldly, “What does this mean? You won’t let me out?”

Shen Sijin looked at the floor. “Che Gulai, someone is trying to hurt you. I can’t let them harm you. I won’t cause anyone else’s death.”

“Who is trying to hurt me?”

“My mother.” Shen Sijin clutched her head frantically. Her sweet face was slightly hysterical. “She not only wants me to die, but she also wants to kill you…”

Che Gulai felt chills. “Where is your mother?”

Shen Sijin pointed behind Che Gulai. “Behind you.” Then she said, “No, near the bed…”

“She keeps moving.”

Che Gulai truly believed Shen Sijin was completely insane now.

She hadn’t recovered; she had gotten worse.

Che Gulai tried to talk sense into her twisted mind. “Shen Sijin, there is no one here. It’s just the two of us.”

“No!” Shen Sijin shouted. She stood up, her eyes wide with frantic helplessness. “Che Gulai, she is following me! She wants to kill you!”

“I can’t let her kill you. My father died because of me, my mother died because of me, and even my grandmother died because of me,” Shen Sijin rattled on. “I don’t want to kill anyone else. I truly don’t…”

Since Shen Sijin pushed Che Gulai last time and saw the blood on her face, her already fragile and sensitive mind had deteriorated.

She believed she was about to cause Che Gulai’s death.

Her entire life had been spent under relentless criticism and condemnation. Her mother blamed her for her father’s car crash. Her mother fell to her death because of an accidental push from Shen Sijin. And now, even her grandmother died indirectly because of her.

Shen Sijin was suffering terribly from self-blame every day. She didn’t want to admit she was responsible for their deaths, but reality forced her to.

She didn’t want to be a jinx. She was terrified of being a sinner.

She was nearly drowned by all this guilt.

Seeing Che Gulai bleeding because of her made Shen Sijin feel like she was seeing the family members who died because of her.

Her fragile mind finally broke down. She couldn’t endure this anymore.

Under the tremendous pain, Shen Sijin developed hallucinations. She believed her mother not only wanted her dead but wanted Che Gulai dead too.

Because her mother hated her, she would kill everyone around her.

Shen Sijin was trapped in her hallucination. She didn’t mind dying, but she couldn’t tolerate anyone else dying directly or indirectly because of her.

So, to protect Che Gulai, she tricked her into coming here. Only here, where no one else could find them, could her mother not find them.

But her mother still found them.

Che Gulai backed up a few steps. “Shen Sijin, open the door. I need to leave.”

“No. More people outside will try to hurt you.”

Che Gulai was going mad. “No one is trying to hurt me! Shen Sijin, there’s a limit to your madness. Do you know what you are doing right now?”

Shen Sijin just shook her head to herself. “You can’t go out.”

How is this any different from what Zhou Zi did?

Che Gulai thought coldly.

They both do selfish things in the name of what’s best for her.

Shen Sijin was the same, only she was a genuine lunatic.

Che Gulai looked at her and felt that her craziness was disgusting. A wave of nausea washed over her.

Psychopath.

She is a complete and utter psychopath.

Che Gulai suddenly felt her phone in her pocket. Shen Sijin’s scheme was clumsy. She had been careless about many things.

While Shen Sijin wasn’t paying attention, Che Gulai sent a message to someone.

“Shen Sijin, if you don’t open the door now, you will regret it later,” Che Gulai said coldly.

Shen Sijin looked at her with innocent, vacant eyes. “Che Gulai, I just want to protect you. Someone is trying to hurt you. Why won’t you believe me?”

“Who would believe a lunatic!” Che Gulai utterly despised this behavior. She didn’t care if Shen Sijin’s intentions were good or bad. She just found Shen Sijin completely repulsive now.

Che Gulai grabbed her collar, her expression icy. “Shen Sijin, listen to me. No one is trying to hurt me. This is all your lunatic fantasy. Don’t force it on me.”

“Lunatic? Fantasy?” Shen Sijin mumbled. “Is it all my fantasy? But I clearly see them.”

“Shen Sijin, I’m telling you for the last time. Open the door.”

Shen Sijin seemed lost in her own thoughts. Her consciousness cleared for a few seconds. She seemed to understand something.

She walked over and picked up the key from the table to open the door.

The key had been on the table all along. From beginning to end, Shen Sijin had no intention of imprisoning her. The door was locked only because she was afraid—it was merely her habit.

The curtains were sealed only because she was afraid of the light.

She hadn’t even confiscated Che Gulai’s phone.

She had only wanted to watch over Che Gulai. As long as she was by her side, no one would hurt her.

Che Gulai didn’t know any of this. In her eyes, Shen Sijin was a psychopath, fantasizing about kidnapping her.

She found this behavior utterly repulsive. It reminded her of the two psychopaths, Zhou Zi and Chen Youfan.

Shen Sijin was the same nature as them.

Except Shen Sijin was truly insane.

Shen Sijin was no longer normal.

Shen Sijin and Che Gulai returned together. Shen Sijin was still ranting hysterically, insisting that someone was trying to harm Che Gulai.

Perhaps before, Che Gulai might have been slightly kinder to her, but now, Che Gulai had lost all patience. She was just annoyed.

In Che Gulai’s eyes, Shen Sijin was a lunatic.

Che Gulai drove to the hospital she had visited last time. She looked at Shen Sijin. “Get out.”

Shen Sijin got out of the car. She saw the hospital sign, the place she was so terrified of.

Shen Sijin stared blankly at the hospital’s name. She seemed to realize something and said, “Do you want to send me in there?”

Che Gulai looked down. “This is for your own good.”

Shen Sijin stumbled back a few steps, her eyes moist. She shook her head desperately. “I don’t want to. I’m not sick. I don’t want to go in.”

Che Gulai’s tone was extremely calm. “Shen Sijin, do you really think you’re normal? Any sensible person can see you’re a lunatic. Only you refuse to believe it.”

Shen Sijin just shook her head in despair, her eyes red, looking incredibly pitiful.

Che Gulai no longer felt pity.

She didn’t know what Shen Sijin would do next. If she pulled a stunt like today again, Che Gulai might actually kill her.

Shen Sijin’s hysterical behavior was genuinely irritating. Che Gulai was afraid Shen Sijin would go crazy on her again, so it was better to just send her in.

After all, her condition was very severe, and the doctor had previously suggested inpatient treatment.

Two birds with one stone.

Shen Sijin had no family. Che Gulai didn’t mind acting on behalf of her family and admitting her for treatment.

“Shen Sijin, you can only be pleasing to others if you become a normal person,” Che Gulai said flatly. “No one likes a lunatic.”

Shen Sijin’s face was ashen.

“If you don’t seek treatment, you will hurt people again. countless people will despise you. Is that what you want?”

Shen Sijin looked at Che Gulai blankly. “You are determined to send me in today, aren’t you?”

Che Gulai nodded. “I’m helping you.”

Shen Sijin suddenly laughed, tears slowly falling from her eyes.

“I never thought my death would be in a psychiatric hospital. I came to this world, and my final fate is still a psychiatric hospital.”

Shen Sijin’s tears flowed uncontrollably, like endless rain. She kept laughing, looking at Che Gulai. “Maybe I really am a lunatic, as you said.”

Shen Sijin suddenly felt that everything was meaningless. When she first came to this world, she painstakingly tried to please the female lead, hoping to escape the original owner’s tragic ending.

Now, even though she hadn’t broken her leg, she was still ending up in a psychiatric hospital, though the conditions were better.

Perhaps she really was sick. But whether she was sick or not no longer mattered.

Shen Sijin didn’t want to struggle anymore.

This was the original owner’s fate. Since she was inhabiting the original owner’s body, she would bear her fate.

It was only fair.

It was just that her previous attempts to please the female lead, and even falling in love with her, made everything seem like the pathetic antics of a clown.

There was nothing in this world left for her to cling to.

A character’s role should match their ending.